Ask one follow-up question in every conversation
People who ask more follow-up questions are liked more, and on speed dates were more likely to be picked for a second date.
Someone at the coffee machine tells you their weekend was busy, and you nod, say yours was too, and head back to your desk. The conversation ends before either of you learns anything. This habit adds one small step: ask about the last thing they said, once per conversation, which takes about ten seconds.
What it helps with
Hard to make friends
People who ask more follow-up questions are liked more, and on speed dates were more likely to be picked for a second date.
Awkward small talk
People expect deep conversations with strangers to be awkward, but they go better than predicted and partners are more interested than expected.
Key facts
- 1In online chats between strangers, people told to ask more questions were liked more by their partners.
- 2Follow-up questions, about what the partner had just said, showed the clearest link with being liked.
- 3In speed-dating conversations, people who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to be chosen for a second date.
- 4In studies, people did not expect that asking more questions would make others like them more.
- 5People expected deeper conversations with strangers to be more awkward than they turned out to be.
Why one question makes a difference
Much everyday talk is a polite swap of headlines. Each person shares a little, then the topic moves on before anyone learns much. A follow-up question slows that down for a moment and lets the other person say more about something they chose to mention.
In a set of studies led by Karen Huang at Harvard, people who asked more questions were liked more by the people they spoke with. Yet the people asking rarely predicted this. They underestimated how much a simple question would be appreciated, which may be one reason people ask fewer than they could.
What counts as a follow-up
A follow-up question is about something the other person has just said. If a friend mentions a tough meeting, "What made it tough?" is a follow-up. Switching to a new topic, or bouncing the question back to yourself, is something different. The researchers sorted questions into types, and follow-ups showed the clearest link with being liked.
This is the heart of what people call active listening: paying close attention and showing that you did. A good follow-up is proof that you heard the first answer, and you can only ask it if you were listening. As for how many, one per conversation is a floor. More questions went with more liking in the studies, though a chat that feels like an interview helps no one.
What the research found
In one of Huang's studies, strangers chatted online for 15 minutes. Some were told to ask many questions and others only a few. Partners of the frequent askers liked them more afterwards. In recorded speed-dating conversations, people who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to be picked for a second date.
Other work points the same way. Michael Kardas and colleagues found that people expected deeper talks with strangers to be awkward, yet the talks went better than predicted. In an earlier study, Chicago commuters asked to chat with a stranger reported a more pleasant ride than those who sat alone, though most expected the opposite. The limits matter here: most of these studies involved short conversations between strangers in the United States. The effects were real but modest, and less is known about long friendships over months or years.
Making it stick
The easiest place to start is a conversation you already have every day. That might be a coworker at the start of a shift, a partner at dinner, or a parent on the phone. When the first answer comes back, listen for one detail: a name, a place, a feeling, a plan. If you talk with four people on a typical day, that adds up to 28 follow-up questions a week, each lasting a few seconds.
On a tired day, one plain question is enough. "What happened next?" and "How did that go?" work almost anywhere, including the queue for that same coffee machine. If you catch yourself already halfway through your own story, that's fine; in your next chat, ask about the last thing they said before you share yours. Over time you become someone who remembers what people tell you. If loneliness or low mood stays with you for weeks despite reaching out, talk to a doctor or counselor as well. Who is the first person you'll talk to tomorrow, and what might they mention?
Action steps
- 1Pick your starting point. Ask one follow-up question in every conversation, beginning with the first person you talk to each morning.
- 2Ask about the last thing they said. Use a short open question like "What happened next?" or "How did that feel?" before adding your own story.
- 3Let the answer finish. Wait until they've fully answered before you change the topic, even if a pause feels a little long.
Suggested routines
- Feeling distant from people
Express gratitude within 24 hours
Feeling grateful for someone's thoughtful help predicts a better relationship with them a month later.
- Social isolation
Meet up with a friend once a week
People with stronger relationships had 50% better odds of being alive over about 7.5 years.
- Low mood
Have 3 quick conversations a day
People feel happier on days they chat with more acquaintances and strangers than usual, however much time they spend with close friends.
References
- Huang, K., et al. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452. doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000097
- Kardas, M., et al. (2022). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3), 367–398. doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000281
- Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980–1999. doi.org/10.1037/a0037323